


Itchin' on a memory

by vogue91



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Affairs, Angst, Character Death, Flashbacks, M/M, Regret
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-21
Updated: 2018-05-21
Packaged: 2019-05-09 18:33:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14721396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: It’s because I love you, Takaki Yuya.Yuya would've given anything to hear those words again, to believe them once again, to still feel loved like only Hikaru made him.





	Itchin' on a memory

Yuya sat on an armchair in his living room.

He was tapping his finger on the armrest, in a sort of creepy melody, deaf sounds echoing through the room’s walls.

It was too quiet.

He was still waiting for a phone call, he waited to hear that voice telling him he was about to come back home.

And he would've anxiously waited, telling himself it couldn’t be soon enough, and that he was dying to see him, to hug him and kiss him, and touch him and be touched.

That he wanted to do too many things with him, while now he wasn’t allowed to do anything.

 

_“I really wish I knew what is it you do to me, Yuuyan.” Hikaru murmured, bringing an arm around his waist and holding him close, covering both their naked bodies with a blanket._

_The elder shrugged, smiling to him._

_“Why?” he asked, raising an eyebrow slyly, as if he already knew what the younger was going to reply._

_“Because I can never look at you for too long without wanting to jump you.” the other replied, confidently, lacking any embarrassment._

_Takaki smiled, hitting his shoulder softly._

_“That’s not my fault. It’s you who’s an animal.” he specified, trying to get away, but being grabbed by his wrist._

_Yaotome brought him back on top of himself, softly kissing him._

_“That’s not true. It’s because I love you, Takaki Yuya.”_

It’s because I love you, Takaki Yuya.

Yuya would've given anything to hear those words again, to believe them once again, to still feel loved like only Hikaru made him.

He had fought to get to that, and see his efforts nullified frustrated him, it made him feel useless, as if he had wasted all those years chasing a shadow that now he couldn’t see anymore.

He stood up, taking a sake bottle, opening it and starting to drink, without even caring to pour the liquor in a glass.

He didn’t want to think about what had happened, he didn’t want to think about how much he had been hurt, he didn’t want to think about how much he had had and lost.

As if his love hadn't been enough to keep Hikaru close.

As if now he had to feel guilty for sins that didn’t belong to him.

 

_“Why, Hikka?”_

_Yuya felt like crying._

_He wanted to cry, scream, bring his hands to his face and claw off of it that_ sorrowful _expression, that sorrow he had no use for._

_“Yuuyan, let me explain. Please.” he said, low. But he didn’t look him in the eyes, he didn’t dare to, and Yuya knew there were no words that could possibly make him feel better._

_“What is it you want to explain, Hikaru?” he whispered, finally crying. “What, when up until yesterday you said you loved me? When you held me tight and talked about the future, telling me it was going to be forever, that you and I won’t...” he paused, taking a deep breath. “What do you want from me, Hikaru? You’ve already taken all I had.” he murmured, still crying. “Go away.”_

When he had told him he had slept with Yuri, Yuya had had a hard time believing him.

Even now, he couldn’t live with that thought, and with the thought of Hikaru telling him he loved him, telling him it had been an accident, that it was never going to happen again.

And Yuya had forgiven him once, and twice and thrice, until in the end he had just stopped hoping that the man he loved could embodied that eternity he so smugly talked about.

Hikaru didn’t feel the same about him, he had told himself, or he wouldn’t have kept seeking in Chinen a way out of his daily routine.

That idea hurt him more than he had shown to the younger, but he had had to find a way to protect himself from him, to curl up in a ball of his pain and pretend he didn’t care.

And pretend to be strong, when he had definitely said goodbye to Hikaru, because he knew he wasn’t going to take it one more time, knowing that the younger was never going to belong to him.

That forever existed for him only, while for Hikaru they were just words to the wind, said playing with his love as if he was allowed to do as he pleased.

 

_“Yuya, please...”_

_“What?” he said, cold, trying at any cost to keep himself indifferent in front of the boy who stood in front of his door, wet from head to toe._

_“Let me in. I need... I need you, Yuuyan.” he said, using that pet name that Takaki now couldn’t stand to hear._

_“This is not your home anymore, Hikaru. There’s nothing for you here.” he murmured, wavering, but ignoring the instinct of holding him close, the desire of feeling that skin against his own and those lips on his own one more time._

_“You’re here, Yuya. You’re here, and it’s all that matters to me. I don’t care about anything else, and I wish... I just wish I can fix all my mistakes. I know you can’t forgive me, I just ask that you don’t hate me, because despite everything I’ve done, I’ve never stopped loving you.”_

Yuya laughed, drinking again.

He laughed thinking about Hikaru’s words, about how wrong he had been.

How hard it had been for him to keep quiet, without telling him that he was never going to hate him, because he had been loving him since they were kids, and that for him being able to be with him had been a beautiful dream.

And like from every best dream, the awakening had been harsh.

Yuya remembered he had met countless times Yuri’s gaze, to have desired all the evil possible for him, before accepting the fact that it wasn’t his fault.

He wasn’t going to lie saying that for Hikaru he wouldn’t have done the same.

That he wouldn’t have hesitated to walk on someone else’s happiness only to have him, because who loves is always the most cruel, because there was nothing logical about that feeling, like it wasn’t logical to keep feeling it with the same intensity for someone who, in the end, had done nothing but clenching his fist around his heart, ruining it forever.

And perhaps that was the eternity Hikaru used to talk about, it was about his marks on Yuya and the pain he had inflicted upon him, of the suffering he had brought to his life, that Yuya was never going to be able to forget.

Because what had been destroyed could be built again, unless salt had been already spread on the ruins.

And Yuya knew, there was nothing left in his life to rebuild.

 

_His eyes went looking for Yuri straight away._

_And he saw him, and he saw his eyes black ringed and wet, and then he almost wanted to relish his pain._

_But he didn’t, because it wasn’t fair, because it mirrored his own._

_He smiled to him, then._

_A smile that tasted of invisible tears, a smile that did nothing to hide the crying of those nights, a smile that meant to be a sign of peace between them, because hating each other was pointless now._

_The younger reciprocated that smile, even though his tears were well visible, and the pain touchable, and Yuya almost envied him because he still managed to cry, while right now he felt he couldn’t do that anymore._

_So, together, they had bid Yaotome Hikaru farewell._

Yuya wished he had had time to ask him one thing before death came and took him away.

He wished he had asked him if he had ever truly loved him, and he would've demanded honesty from him.

So now he was frozen in a limbo, without knowing if he had actually wasted his years chasing something that had never existed, behind empty promises and meaningless words.

He had chosen to believe it, though.

Believe in the love he had spoken during all that time, and make so that that at least could’ve been immortal.

Not in that forever which had now disappeared, he had stopped believing in that a long time ago.

Hikaru had brought their eternity to the grave.

 


End file.
